Loaded Faux-tatoes


Super queer recipe title I know. Get over it. Contrary to everything I learned via my English degree, I just cannot help myself when it comes to cheesy, cliche, punny play-on words. My college advisor would be scoffing at me right now, but it's ok...I'll sleep just fine tonight.

So I absolutely love pureed cauliflower. It's probably my favorite vegetable dish. That said, it seems to always be kind of watery and not that potato-y. Again - I'll eat it happily...I love the stuff. But I've been on the hunt for a technique that will yield that thick, creamy yet somewhat chunky consistency of mashed potatoes. The wait is over people...I've done it (let's take a minute to celebrate my achievement and overall existence). Be cautious, however...this is a super secret and complex culinary skill - one which is not fit for a kitchen novice. LOLZ...jk. You literally just stick the cauliflower in the microwave with butter and coconut milk...that's pretty much the extent of this super complicated recipe. 

So after discovering the easiest method in the world to getting thicker mashed cauliflower, I figured I needed to jack it up a bit more. Because what's better than mashed potatoes? Easy answer - LOADED mashed potatoes. You know the stuff...bacon, chives and cheesy goodness. SO here we have just that...only much healthier. There is so much #winning going on here right now I can't even. 


  • 1 large head of cauliflower, cut into florets
  • 3 tbsp coconut milk (if you tolerate dairy, heavy cream also works)
  • 1 tbsp ghee or grass-fed butter
  • 4 slices of bacon
  • 1/4 cup chives, diced
  • 1/4 cup sharp cheddar cheese (optional, if you tolerate dairy)
  • 1/2 tsp sea salt
  • 1/2 tsp black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp onion powder


  1. In a microwave save bowl, add the cauliflower florets, coconut milk (or cream) and ghee (or butter). Microwave on high for 8 minutes. Stir to coat the cauliflower and return to the microwave for 4 more minutes.
  2. While the cauliflower is in the microwave, cook your bacon in a skillet until crispy and remove to a paper towel-lined plate to dry. Crumble into pieces when ready.
  3. Transfer cauliflower mixture to your food processor or high speed blender and add all ingredients, except for the bacon and chives.
  4. Blend until the cauliflower is thick and creamy.
  5. Transfer the puree to a mixing bowl and fold in the bacon pieces and chives.
  6. Serve!

Servings: 2-4 (depending on how big the cauliflower head is...and how hungry you are)